Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
When did angry sex become our thing?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
