I'm going to jail i love you
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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