if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
