he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
