i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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