I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I would ride that face into the sunset
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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