I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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