I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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