I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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