I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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