I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
