I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
