hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
