Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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