my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
