i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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