I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
