So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
