I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
