walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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