I puked a lego.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
