You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
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