i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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