"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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