He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
