Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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