Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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