i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize