You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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