Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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