You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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