I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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