sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
