Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How's work?
Spinning.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
