hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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