1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
