Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
