at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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