I'm drive I can fine osifer
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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