I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
