why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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