dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
