the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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