i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
