nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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