textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
