Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize