im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
