She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
