new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
