between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
