the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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