Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
