Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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