You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize