I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
