So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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