6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
