I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
