I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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