Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize