sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
