my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
