omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
